Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
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Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.