i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
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I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.