Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
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Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
My life in a nutshell
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.