Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
You Might Also Like
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation