If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
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Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”