Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
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My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Well, shit
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.