Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
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My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types