Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
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Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
My birth announcement for our third baby
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.