Who called it baking and not making love
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HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
my mom making me talk to relatives
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Need WebMD
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.