I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
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the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.