Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
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Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids