[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
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umm…
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
me and who
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.