Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
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My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it