Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
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TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
The days of good grammer has went
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’