[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
You Might Also Like
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
sir, my pâté if you please
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
is this meant to deter me
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!