[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
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If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Beware…..
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.