Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
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Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining