*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
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Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers