He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
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I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
lmaaaaaooooooooo
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado