Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
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Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
mentally somewhere in italy
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled