Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
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I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
I cannot stop laughing at this
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
No laws when master is gone