If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
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I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
i think we should see other cousins
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.