me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
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Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
sir, my pâté if you please
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Every time my phone rings
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda