My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
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tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*