If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
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I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
This is no longer winter this is harassment
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Monday
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
every. time.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?