He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
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My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a