st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
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I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
I put the mess in domestic.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.