“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
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How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
[montage of me giving-up]
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok