The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
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Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-