I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
You Might Also Like
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
The funk soul brother
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit