mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
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Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
i can’t wait that long
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels