The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
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Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!