“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
You Might Also Like
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
can’t bark with your mouth full
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too