My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
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waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”