The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
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Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t