Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
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One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.