I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
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Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.