The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
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DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
The Assassin.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags