ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
You Might Also Like
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.