“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
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hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Boy never ceases to amaze me
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.