*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
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You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
podcasts
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
No laws when master is gone
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”