A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
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OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.