Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
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karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.