JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
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The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
That lamp looks PISSED.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early