My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
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From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.