My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
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“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
*jazz hands*
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.