May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
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If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?