Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
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Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM