[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
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i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Me recordaron éste meme
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.