Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
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robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
My therapist after every session
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.